Can I Get a What What?

Last week, my afternoon bus failed to show up. At all. Not just late, just ... non-existent. While this circumstance is one of the few things in life that get me worked up enough to be super pissed off, my transportation abandonment did leave me stranded on Hennepin and 7th with the hands-down craziest man I've ever had the pleasure (or displeasure, depending on if you're a glass half empty person) to meet.

If you can call it "meet."

I call it "bombardment," since he joined me in the bus shelter and simply began spewing forth a stream of words that lasted the next ten minutes, without any reply from me. I don't know how to fully convey how weird it was to have someone talking AT me that long WITHOUT PAUSE and not have uttered a single word in response.

His rant was largely unintelligible, mainly due to poor enunciation. From what I could gather, he was (or used to be) a musician of some sort, who used to (or still does, in his head) live down South, and who was 50 years old (although, according to him, nobody ever believes that.)

My problem was twofold. First, nobody else was around, either to rescue me from the situation or to witness the one-sided conversation.  

Second, I didn't have a tape recorder. I have never wished so hard in my life that I had a discreet recording device stashed somewhere on my person. Because as soon as he said something completely awesome and hilarious, and I would think, "I'm going to remember that!" ... he would continue on to say something even more fantastical and splendiferous, and I would immediately forget what he just uttered.  

But two phrases in particular stuck, and I'm going to write them now, without explanation (because I'm still not totally sure what the context was) for your eternal enjoyment.

1.  "I'm bout to lay down something so cold, they ain't even put it on the market yet!"

2.  (while pointing at his eyeball) "They ain't invented anyone blacker than me!"

In the end, though he wasn't threatening in any way, he had been invading my personal space for far too long. I hopped on the next bus that happened by, but not before he asked me for my number.

At least that's what I think he said. I can't be sure.

Shut Up, Fran!

The other day, I found myself trash-talking my GPS unit.

Well, not trash-talking exactly, but at least being unnecessarily belligerent. 

I call her Fran, largely because I think this is a pretty good name for the British voice that I chose to say, more than any other word in her vocabulary, "Recalculating." She tells me where to turn, of course, and where to exit, and tells me when we've reached the destination that I punched in earlier. But because I'm stubborn, and because I've already spent several years navigating on my own, thank you, with the help of Google Maps and an almost desperate exercise of my memorization skills, Fran spends most of her time alerting me to the fact that I have NOT taken the route she recommended.

For some reason, I'm unable to rebel politely. When she tells me to drive in a direction that I know is just a little bit longer or could potentially be more difficult than my tried-and-true alternate route, I typically respond with "Make me!" When she continues to calmly repeat her troubleshooting phrase "Recalculating," I bite back with "Go to hell, Fran!"

The thing is, I love Fran. I've only had her for about two months, and I deeply regret not buying her years ago. I feel about her the same way I do about my insulated snow pants: if only we'd met each other earlier, life would have been so much more delightful. I don't want to overstate the significance of the confidence that comes with this tiny device, but let's just say if I'd had one when I first moved here, I might be running this city by now.

I have noticed, however, that I'm becoming lazier. Mentally, I mean. I no longer have to pore over and print out maps online, rehearsing the route and return route in my head, before leaving the house. I don't even have to remember street names or addresses, or guess what time I'll be arriving, or run internet searches for the nearest Chinese buffet to whatever road I'm currently on.  

Fran tells me all this, sometimes on the fly. It's her job. It's what I pay her for. And my anxiety at finding new places has nose-dived to the point where I don't really need the details of the trip until just moments before I step into my car. Yet I feel a little less sharp and capable because of it.

Maybe that's why I'm occasionally annoyed with Fran. I don't want to depend on her. But am I willing to be a bit less self-sufficient in exchange for the freedom of driving into Uptown, a place which (for no discernible reason) has previously been my own personal Bermuda Triangle of navigational screwups, with reckless abandon? Yes, I am. 

Thank you, Fran. It's a good trade. When I think about snapping at you in the future, perhaps I'll recalculate.

WTF, Tuesday?

So I had a bit of a weird day yesterday, as in, I saw some pretty weird things.

First, there was a young man on my bus in the morning who had just gotten his heart stomped on by some girl. He was so broken up about it that he was relating his tale to the bus driver. I wasn't paying too much attention until this older lady piped up and started basically witnessing to him, telling him never to give up his faith and to keep praying, and that God would send him a soul mate, because that's what happened to her.

While I'm not sure the whole prayer thing works as easily as she made it sound (one lifelong companion .... order up!), I was sad that she got off the bus only a few blocks into her sermon. I haven't been so disappointed to see someone leave since this guy started telling me about how he got robbed at knifepoint just before my stop.

Second, there was a lady at a stoplight who had all four windows of her car rolled down. She had her head sticking out one, and hanging out the others were three enormous dogs, each with their own private porthole to the highway. The weird part was that while they waited, she apparently dipped her hand into a bucket of ice water and rubbed it all over the dogs' faces, which made them go wild with joy. It looked like they were attacking her in the front seat amid a spray of saliva.

Third, there was a guy doing jumping jacks outside a pub in NE. He wasn't just doing a few for fun -- he was committed and appeared to be in pain.

Fourth, there was a guy in the elevator at work with an old-fashioned Walkman. He had the volume turned up so loud that it sounded like legitimate Muzak. It was literally everything I could do not to sing along with "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough," since I could hear every word.

Fifth, somebody sent me a message on my phone that was simply a picture of a wall-mounted air conditioning unit. I don't know why, and I don't recognize the number. Is it a sign of some sort? A warning? A threat? A taunt?

I don't really have explanations for any of this stuff. I just thought it was odd that I'd encounter Park n' Preach, The Human Fire Hydrant, The Oddest Loser, Deafy McMJ, and Chilly Stalker all on the same day. I just had to tell somebody.

I feel better now.

A Rumination With a View

There are certain things in life that I just love, and I really should keep a running list, but here's one: the view from my office building in downtown Minneapolis. 

From the 48th floor, you can look either directly north or south from enormous windows in the lunchroom and lobby. Although the southern view presents you with several lakes, the Art Institute, the Walker, and the cathedral, I prefer gazing north over the river, the bridges, the library, the Mill City Museum, the Guthrie, and the Grain Belt Beer sign, all the way into NE Minneapolis, where I live.

The other day I was hurrying down the stairs on some errand, but I just couldn't help but stop and stare awhile. It never gets old. (And I'm not just saying that because if you lean around the corner a bit, you can see directly into the new Twins stadium). I had to pause for a moment because, if you'd told me seven years ago that I'd one day be working smack-dab in the heart of downtown, I would have called you a liar to your face.

But seven years ago I left South Dakota and came to "the Cities," as we in the rural tri-state area call them (duh, what other cities could we possibly be referring to?) I came with no job and knowing only about three people, one of whom was a high school acquaintance who needed a roommate. I had no idea where anything was or, if I did, how to get there.  

My early navigation attempts consisted of simply driving around aimlessly until something looked vaguely familiar. I distinctly remember once being so lost that I pulled into a McDonald's and bought a shake and french fries so I would have something to munch on as I consistently took exits I didn't mean to take. To this day, I'll occasionally pass a landmark and think, "Hmmm, I know this place ... I think I was lost here once ..."

I still take the periodic wrong turn, but I now have the ability to troubleshoot. And, three jobs later, I have much more than a handful of excellent friends. They are people I can't imagine not meeting, and I love them more for their quirks than in spite of them.

I realize that I've probably experienced only about 20% of what the TC has to offer, yet it's still been a wild, lovely ride. Whenever I visit my hometown, people ask me whether I like it here. When I reply that of course I do, they always seem a little shocked. But truthfully, I frickin' love Minneapolis. I love Minneapolis the same way I love my apartment, which goes like this: Whenever I pass by, I wish I lived there. And thankfully I do.

So I was reflecting on all this the other day in my brief pause before the window, feeling pretty proud of myself for having the guts to strike out alone somewhere new and generally pleased with all my small accomplishments since then. It was at this point that I turned, still gazing wistfully northward, and nearly Dick Van Dyked over a low oval coffee table in the lobby.

I get it, Minneapolis. Just keeping me in my place. Thanks for tripping me and not punching me in the face.  That's right, you heard me, St. Paul.

I've Got a Monkey on My Back . . .

 . . . and his name is Juan Valdez!

Today I saw a van stopped behind a car at an intersection. When the light turned green, the car hesitated to immediately move forward, and the driver of the van went ballistic, honking and gesturing, finally swerving around the car and speeding off like a maniac.

The car in front: "Student driver."

The writing on the van: "Espresso Machines."

Things in life are labeled, people. All you have to do, really, is read.

Escape From the Man-Eating Balcony

I would just like to say, as a follow-up to my very first posting, that I am now not the only person to ever lock myself out on my balcony. A good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless, unless he chooses to comment and reveal his identity) managed to do so recently, in much the same way as I did.

However, there were three major differences in this instance:

1. There was no spider involved.

2. He was not scantily clad.

3. Unlike me, he did not need rescuing, since he somehow channeled his inner Houdini and freed himself with the help of some clever machinations and dextrous arms.

Here's the thing, though. Since I wasn't around to witness this event, he wouldn't have had to tell me about it. He could have kept his mouth shut, but he didn't. He admitted it, which I think speaks a lot to his general character, in addition to his general resourcefulness. And now we share a bond that cannot be broken by space or time. Or sliding patio door bars.

Looking back, I probably should have reacted with more empathy and appreciation for his situation when he told me. Instead, I shouted with glee (and may have even done a fist pump) at the sudden validation that I might not be quite as big a moron as previously thought. 20/20 hindsight. 

Of course, this could also mean that we're both morons, but I doubt it. With his nimble critical-thinking skills and my ability to yell for help, I firmly believe there is no problem we cannot handle together.

Use Your INSIDE Tape

Today I saw a car for sale. How did I know this? The owner had written the price and details on a sheet of paper and taped it to the outside of the back window. Consequently, it was wrinkled and battered, and the ink had begun to run.

I think I should call this person up and negotiate. If his math skills are anything like his advertising skills, I believe I could wrangle a pretty awesome deal.

I Am Not Your Boo

I had one of my weirdest bus stop encounters yet this afternoon. Keep in mind that this comes on the heels of last week's fiasco, when an older gentleman asked me whether the Twins won and then watched me walk away, yelling, "You're lookin' good! I'm in love with you!" 

As I stood waiting, I was approached by a man in a hooded sweatshirt who was either slurring or just enunciating very poorly. He started the conversation like this:

HIM: "Hey, mommy."

ME: (not sure he was actually addressing me, as I am not a mommy.)

HIM: "Hey, boo."

ME: (so taken aback that I was incapable of uttering a response.)

HIM: "What's your name?"

ME: (reluctant to respond, hoping he will simply go away.)

HIM:  "Hold on, girl. Quit bein' so nervous! I ain't gonna do nothin'. I'm Mark."

ME: (finally telling him my name, because it's clear he will not simply go away.)

HIM: "You down here for the game, or what?"

ME: "Just waiting for my bus."

HIM: "You got nice dimples. (going in for the kill) How 'bout you call me later?"

ME:  "I don't think so."

HIM: "Now, just wait a minute, just think about this. You call me when you get home, tell me how your day was."

ME:  "I don't think so, sorry."

At this point, he wandered away, yet another man irresistibly and inexplicably attracted by my crazy magnet. But I was left with this thought:  If I did call him up and tell him about my day, he would probably actually listen. And, substance abuse problems aside, that would be really nice. In the same way it's nice to hear "You're lookin' good!" from inebriated strangers, but nice nonetheless.

I'm not saying I've reached the level of desperation where I would take any of these guys up on their offers.  But when it comes to the compliment? I'll take it.