Smoke if You Got Him

I don't always remember stories that I hear in the most exact detail. Sometimes all I'm left with is an overall theme that really tickled me. In the luckiest situations, I'm able to give the person relating the tale suggestions about how they could spice it up on the next go-round. This is one of those times. 

I was chatting with a friend who used to work as an usher at a large local venue, and I asked about some of the craziest things that have happened on his watch. 

He said that several years ago, one particular patron got ridiculously drunk at a concert. 

The man was escorted to the lobby, where he continued to grow increasingly belligerent, and security was called. But before they could arrive, the man got physical with one of the other ushers. 

My friend, who was outside taking a smoke break, saw this through the glass doors. 

"So I threw down my cigarette, ran across the lobby, and tackled him."

(Although it may not be true, this has always been a flying tackle in my mind, and it shall remain so, because that idea delights me).

"Then what?!" I asked. 

"I sat on him until the cops got there." 

While he isn't a large man, I certainly saw where he could be powerful. "I grew up with brothers. I'm used to that stuff."

"Oh, man!" I said. "I wish you hadn't dropped your cigarette."

"Why?"

"Because how badass would it have looked if you were just perched on that dude having a nonchalant smoke when the police showed up?"

I really hope that when he re-tells this story, that cigarette stays firmly clamped between his lips. For right or wrong, this is how I picture him, sailing through the air on a collision course with awesomeness. 

WWJD

The greatest benefit of having multiple friends with multiple kids is that there's never a shortage of hilarious stories. I think what I love most is remembering these tales on behalf of the parents, who are usually too busy actually raising tiny human beings to record them for posterity.

Today's anecdote comes courtesy of a friend whose two-year-old daughter is inexplicably obsessed with Jesus. Although she's still too young for Sunday school, and the family doesn't regularly attend church, she insists on being read to from a toddler Bible and often carries rosary beads around the house. My friend also told me she frequently has to remind her little girl that every bearded man they see out in public is not their lord and savior.

So one night, my friend and her husband had another couple over for dinner. When their guests walked in the door, this kid immediately noted the man's slender build and beard, and happily exclaimed, "Hi, Jesus!"

This greeting might have taken a lesser man aback, but their friend's response was perfect. Without missing a beat, he looked down at her and said very deeply and seriously, "Yes, my child."

Pillow Talk

One of my friends has a child who recently started losing baby teeth. The first time it happened, my friend told him the fantastical tale of how the tooth fairy would likely visit and leave him some money. 

Although his son appeared skeptical about this magical creature, he caught the boy placing the tooth under his pillow just before bed. 

His son simply looked up, shrugged, and said, "I know it probly ain't real, but I really want that quarter."

Here's to You, Mrs. Robinson

On one of my last trips home to visit my parents, they received a call from their neighbor, a super sharp lady in her 90s. She said she was having some trouble with her email and wondered if we could come over and look at it.

When I got there, I discovered she'd accidentally hidden a familiar toolbar. I checked the appropriate boxes to fix it, and then asked if there was anything else she needed help with. She paused, then said, "Well . . . I keep getting all these messages from men who want to date me."

"What?"

"They say something like Zook."

I immediately recalled the existence of Zoosk, an online dating website that's usually advertised in the margins on Facebook, where (of course) this lively lady is also my friend.

"Oh, do you think maybe you got signed up for something by mistake?"

"Well, I don't know, I must have."

I scrolled through her email, which was teeming with requests.  "I can get you unsubscribed from this service, but are you sure you aren't interested in any of these guys?"

"No, take me off of there. I mean, honestly. One of those men was only 83! Now what would I ever want with him?!"

Evidently cradle robbing is still a concern in the nonagenarian world.

Paint By Numbers

Only in Minneapolis will you find trigonometry as graffiti. Just a roving math thug tagging my parking garage downtown. Will they find it one day far into the future and wonder what it means ... like CROATOAN?

Athletic Supporter

A couple years ago, one of my friends and her husband bought their first house together. They then set about slowly getting to know all their new neighbors, usually while on walks with their young son. 

On one such occasion, my friend started chatting with a man who made no attempt to keep his casual racism out of the conversation. When my friend mentioned that the neighborhood seemed very nice, and that it was great to have a park nearby, he commented:

"Yeah, but that park has a basketball court." He gave her a knowing look. "And you know what those attract."

My friend stared at him incredulously. She simply replied, "Athletes?"

S-o E-m-b-a-r-r-a-s-s-i-n-g

The password requirements for my work computer have grown increasingly complex. A certain number of capital letters, numbers, and symbols, combined with a minimum character count that stops just short of supercalifragilisticexpialidocius. 

Think you've found the perfect password to fit this complicated bill? Great. Now change it frequently and completely. 

But don't write it down!

The last time I had to create yet another encrypted monstrosity, it was a stressful day. My new password reflected this state of mind, but I assumed it would be my little secret for the next couple of months. 

As it turned out, it was only private until I needed tech support a few weeks later. 

IT person: "I can fix that issue. I'll just need your network password."

Me: (pause) "You want me to just ... tell it to you?"

IT person: "Go ahead."

Me: "Um, okay. It's [a series of numbers and symbols], followed by s-o-d-e-p-r-e-s-s-i-n-g."

IT person: "Are those esses or effs?"

Me: "Esses ... like ... depressing."

There was a very long pause. 

Me: "I was in a really bad mood the last time I was prompted for a password change."

IT person: "Yeah. I can see that."

The web address for this moment begins with FML. 

Ghost Protocol

I watch a lot of scary movies. This wouldn't seem like the wisest choice for someone who lives alone, has trouble sleeping, and boasts an overactive, worst-case-scenario imagination. But I'm more afraid of aliens than ghosts, so I'm usually ok.

I didn't think twice about popping in "Ouija" at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night, mainly because it looked (and was) terrible, and actually a bit boring. I don't put much stock in that kind of thing, especially since my friends and I dabbled with a ouija board in college. On Halloween. At midnight. And we're all still alive to tell the tale. Although I did find out I have a spirit guide named Tikwu, for whatever that's worth.  So when the movie was over, I watched an old Simpsons episode and went to sleep.

I'm fairly certain my rude upstairs neighbor woke me up with one of his thuds around 4 a.m., which wasn't unusual.  What was different this time was that there seemed to be a ghostly figure standing next to my bed.

I stared for a moment, still groggy. When it became clear that this apparition wasn't going anywhere, I began to sit up . . . and then it went somewhere. It rose into the air, hovering near my wall.

Even in my bleary, myopic state, my mind held two thoughts clearly at the same time. Thought #1: You're having a bit of sleep paralysis. This is what it looks like when others see "shadow people" and it's a natural, albeit weird, phenomenon. Thought #2: I have to turn my light on or I'm going to fucking die!

And right at that moment, my eyes came into focus, and I realized that I was goggling at (and terrified of) the light filtering in through my bedroom window. Not only that, but I'd actually batted at it with my hand.

I've often wondered what I'd do if I experienced any of the horrors in these movies. As it turns out, my response to an imaginary threat like a ghost was emitting the weakest, most pathetic little "ahh --- ahhhhhhh" and pawing at the air like a newborn kitten.

I take a bit of comfort in this, since my real-life response to a legitimate threat like getting mugged was trying to kick the guy in the nuts while apparently screaming loud enough to wake all my neighbors.

You gotta do what you gotta do, people. Even if it's sleeping with the light on for awhile.