A.I. Don't Think So / by Courtney Mehlhaff

Whenever I read an article about how artificial intelligence is the greatest threat to humankind, my first thought is, "Damn straight. For the love of God, stop giving robots human characteristics and emotions! Nobody needs this!" And I have a brief panic attack while I imagine a scenario in which Skynet becomes self-aware.

And then I think about my relationship with Siri. And that makes me feel better.

Because if computers' ability to take over the world is measured by how well this electronic imbecile can understand the simplest of sentences that I speak . . . well, let's just calm down.

I honestly can't think of a single interaction I've had with Siri in the car that didn't make me want to throw my phone out the window.

Just a few days ago I was driving home from out of state, and I texted a friend from a gas station asking if she wanted to hang out when I got back to town.

She replied yes and asked if I'd like to grab dinner together when I arrived.

By that point I was driving again, so I enlisted Siri's help to craft a reply. After five straight minutes of misunderstandings and restarts, my friend received the following message, naturally sent by mistake:

"Hate you Siri I hate you so much"

This was by FAR the least profanity-laced combination of words that Siri could have grabbed out of the air in those five minutes, though they captured my feelings quite well.

When I saw what I'd sent, I tried to rectify the situation with a follow-up message, but I was laughing so hard that Siri kept producing a text that translated "ha ha" into "bubba."

We're safe for now, people. I'm sure of it.