Remember when, back in the early days of MySpace, you could kill the better part of an afternoon just filling out random, ridiculous surveys that people forwarded to you? Before finally deleting my old account, I decided to copy some of my more bizarre and/or hilarious responses. Naturally, I've posted them for your enjoyment.
Name? You should know, you were screaming it all last night.
Who do you trust with your life? That's a very short list. If you're on it, you probably know it. If you're not on it but would like to be, press 1. If you're not sure you're on it, press 2. If you're on it but would like to be removed, go to hell.
If you could change your name to anything, what would it be? Maybe Candy, because then I wouldn't have to lie when I dance.
What would you do if someone told you that you were the most beautiful person in the world and they would do anything to wake up to your face each and every morning? I would say, "Thanks, but I'm still not giving you change for the bus."
Who is the nicest person you know? Whoever doesn't try to monopolize my corner.
Have you ever snuck out of your house/someone in your house? Have I ever snuck out of someone in my house? That's so dirty! And difficult to do without waking them.
How did you get the idea for your MySpace name? It was a very long, drawn-out process that involved a peg-legged gypsy woman and my star chart.
What does your dad do for a living? He says he's in auto insurance, but I don't think that explains the multiple passports and semiautomatic in his bottom desk drawer.
What did you dream last night? I can't remember, but last Friday night I dreamed I was in a gun battle in a Korean parking garage. Figure that out, Freud!
Have you ever done something to make trouble? Some called it an "international incident" . . . I just called it a brief but torrid affair with a certain young man third in line from the throne of England. Big whoop.
Are you mad at anyone at the moment? Mitt Romney. Because what kind of a name is Mitt, anyway?
If you had to be reincarnated as a sea dwelling creature, what would you be? A giant squid, because I would be universally feared and admired for my powers of suction. Wait . . .
Of all people, with whom would you want to be stuck in a well? Anybody with a flotation device and survival skills.
Do you like to spoon? I like to fork.
What do you wanna name your kids? Oh come on. Women don't share that. What if some bitch steals your idea?
How many houses have you lived in? Two with my family, one in Japan, and one while those people were on vacation. Shhhh!
How many watches do you own? One. And it's always peanut butter jelly time.
Have you ever been to Kentucky? I don't think so, but I notice my cousin's name is on this marriage certificate, so you do the math.
How many lamps are in your bedroom? Only one. Any more and there's too much glare off the mirror on the ceiling.
Easiest person to talk to? Rob Lowe. He hasn't done anything worthwhile since The West Wing, and he's not doing anything right now. Go ahead. Call him. He'll be there.
Have you ever stripped? For money, no. For the sheer joy of the pasties, yes.